Stay in Touch

Upon receiving an affirmative reply when asking someone to please stay in touch with you, remember that they're lying, they don't want to hear from or about you or be reminded of you. Only a fool would believe that anyone would actually live up to their words.

Apology

To all of those that I had the opportunity to meet I would like to address my gratitude and gratefulness for your kindness and patience with me. I wish and pray that all of you will find lasting happiness, imperishable love and unending success in your lives and in that of your loved ones. I am sorry for the pain that I have caused you all.

死なないでください Please don't die

I just learned two new sentences: "死なないでください。" (Shinanaide kudasai., Please don't die) and "凄く考えさせられました。" (Sugoku kangae sase raremashita. It made me think, really.) Both were in the comment section of this English speaking documentary about decreasing the suicide rate in Japan. This person's vigor reminds me of things.

28

I am turning 28 in just a few days. And I realized, I haven't achieved anything. Neither academically nor personally, nor do I have got a career. I don't have any possessions, nothign of worth nor wisdom. I think that is what is important, I failed at living.

My autophobia and the will to die Part 1

I can’t sleep. Every night I cannot sleep. I am awake until very late, constantly wake up during the night time and get up early. I am restless, so to say, because whenever I close my eyes I see myself how I die in various ways ranging from getting hit by a truck to being butchered, everything from suicide to homicide. When I am awake however, nothing changes. I still feel like dying, and it has been like this for years now. I hate myself and hate every bit of me and I am fairly certain that more than tolerating me isn’t possible.

I hate having to see my reflection in a mirror, I can’t stand it. And I dislike being touched; I’m not used to having physical contact with people and immediately want to pull away once anybody comes close to me. Nevertheless, when meeting new people I really do try to not show it and act like everyone else, when in reality I just want to cease to exist.

My malfunction contains elements of autophobia (the fear of being alone or being left for good by someone else [especially a spouse or a family member], accompanied by anxiety, while feeling the need to keep people out of one’s business) tied up with self-hate, obviously. Neither is curable up to this day, really, though symptoms can be dampened through emotional bonding. But what are the causes for this state of mind, at least in my case?

Generally speaking I could roll out a large list of causes and traumata that may or may not have led to this: Like, being a mixed child I had severe problems fitting in both the German and especially the Philippine community, where grown-ups even felt the need to constantly insult me. I just wanted to fit in, at least look like everyone else did. As a counter-measure I devoted large portions of my time fastidiously studying the Filipno history and culture to make up for my shortcoming.

Or I could argue with my Catholic school education, rituals like the Confiteor, where you constantly keep on saying  you have failed “in [your] thoughts and in [your] words, in what [you] have done and in what [you] have failed to do”. The icing of the cake is of course you constantly having to say “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”. Catholicism is a religion of guilt, and going to school in an extremely Catholic school you’re being taught that you’re just not good enough, no matter what you do.

But both of those reasons are, if ever, childhood traumas, they can easily be overcome by looking at things rationally, and people do really. But as Hitler has said in his 1938 speech in Reichenberg about teaching German children about being proper Nazis “[…] they will never be free their entire life!” (sie werden nicht mehr frei ihr ganzes Leben!), Catholicism, if you grew up with it, is pretty hard to get out of your system.
...

2010 January 1 (新年快乐）

'”他极为了焦虑不安， 但是他单相思的遭人遗弃。现在他甚至想过自杀。 “
我想我必须写戏剧性的小说。' And that is how my day had ended, thinking of what I could've done better to turn the wheel over to something better. I'm still reminiscing about my december 29th and 30th which weren't that kind of a success (especially 29); but at least the 30th was cool in it's own way. Some friends of mine and I decided to have a get-together during the holidays and eat some fondue.

The problems on my side started off by being completely overrun by the fact that we were going to have this party. Even though this whole thing was my idea, I seriously wouldn't have dreamt of it actually happening. When I asked a fellow student of mine during the sem about this, she simply said, she's busy. Having heard that, the entire thing had already died in my mind. But then suddenly, during the last week of university her friend asked me when I would be free so we could all do this.

I was simply speechless. So, as we were talking, her friend decided that we should also invite another friend of ours. Which meant we would be 4 persons. In the days to come I suddenly heard that we might be 5 or even 7 people. I wasn't exactly amazed by that idea (the one reason being my fondue set not being made for so many people, the other (real reason) that I definetily didn't want to sit at one table with a particular one of those guys), but in the end, when all the additional folk said they won't come, I've become accustomed to the idea of having 7 people eating fondue. Whcich didn't matter at that point, so let's just forget about that.

So, the day before our small party we went shopping in Germany's most famous supermarket chain "Real,-" to buy everything for our grand fondue. I was supposed to meet my friends on the christmas market between 2 and 2:30PM. Well, actually I was supposed to call them when I got there. Unfortunately, my cellphone's somewhat broke right now, so I bluntly waited there, hoping they would figure to come. However, after one hour of standing in the blistening cold I came to the conclusion that without a phone call they'd never come to fetch me up.

Lucky me, some guy at the market, who visited a chinese language class for beginners in the university during sem-break, recognized me as a friend of his former teacher. And even better, his friend's stood him up. So he gladly lended me his cellphone to call one of my friends. (Yes~~~ I saved some money there. hehehe). And that's where things started to become funny.

I was, so to say, not in the most talkative mood, but rather doing the Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Terminator". I was trying to act as normal as can be, but the guys saw through me like one would through plastic wrap. As a result, one of my fellow students decided to single herself out and go on grocery spree on her own.
So then, when everything was purchased we decided to meet the next evening at 5.

What made thing sworse is that the fondue-pot wasn't available, so we spontaneously switched to raclette, which is just as neat. Unfortunately one of us wasn't able to make it on said evening, I figure this is because of my Michael Meyers impersonation. So there were only 3 of us meeting. Sitting in this 20qm we felt that our food would've easily been enough for 7-10 people and that the raclette makes a great radiator or even iron-bending machine. Because there was so much food there, we spontaneously asked another friend of ours, who wasn't busy, to come over and share some of the food and laughter. The others really laughed a lot and we "sang" and "danced" quite a few .... artistic interpretations of Minnie Riperton's "Loving You"


But honestly speaking, I have a really bad conscience. I just completely hid myself away yesterday and even today am still thinking of wht I've done...